It angers me that Sarah Palin and I both have vaginas.

Not really.

But I have finally decided to address the Governor Sarah Palin topic. I've refrained until now because, really, do you need someone to tell you that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's dad? Or that Scientology is whack? We live in a society dripping with the obvious; surely one less contribution to the common knowledge that Gov. Palin is, dare we say it, not the brightest Crayola in the box is a welcome relief. But no more. There is an overwhelming double-standard that's emerged in the discourse of the debates, as well as within the context of Sarah Palin opening her mouth in general. Specifically, that Governor Palin markets herself on a platform of family values and being "just another hockey mom," yet refuses to discuss or acknowledge how this role will be affected by her candidacy, or how her candidacy will be affected by this role.

"But wait!," you say, because you're a conservative asshole incapable of rational thought. "Would you be saying this if Sarah Palin were a man?" And the answer is, yes, dickhead, I WOULD be saying that. When John Edwards was seeking office, he faced endless speculation of how he would balance the task of being president while simultaneously caring for his cancer-ridden wife. And to be fair, I wondered the same. It isn't a question of an individual's political capabilities, it's the reality that sometimes, it's hard to do two jobs at the same time and do them both well. This is true regardless of one's gender.

For all of his wacky hijinx, including the first ever internet-based gubernatorial campaign and, oh yeah, being a pro wrestler, former Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura made two very articulate, cohesive thoughts during a recent interview with Larry King.

1) After his initial 4 year term as Governor, Ventura did not seek re-election due to his wife's diagnosis with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. "The Body" publicly cited a conflict of contracts: he made the promise of "in sickness and in health" to his wife many years before any vows promised to the state of Minnesota. (Aww... a romantic AND a realist.) Simply put, he recognized that he wouldn't be able to fulfill both promises to the level of expectation, and so he decided to honor his initial decision and step aside to let someone fully capable tackle the later agreement.

2) On the question of if a candidate's elderly age should matter or not: "Well, let me put it this way. .. if John McCain were simply a federal worker, he'd be forced to retire at 65. Now, how come a worker is forced to retire at 65, yet a politician can go to any age or a Supreme Court justice can go to any age? ...My brother was a lock and dam operator for the Corps of Army Engineers. He would be forced to retire at age 65. He could not work a day more. Yes, age should make a difference, I think."

The second critique, obviously, is directed at Palin's mealcard of a running mate. The first point, however, prompts me to ask conservatives/Republicans/Dr. Laura/people with vaginas voting for Palin because she's a mom, the following question:

Do YOU think you could successfully care for your developmentally disabled infant son, support your frightened, unmarried, pregnant, 17 year-old daughter, spend adequate time with your OTHER two school-age children who still live at home, provide emotional support for your recently enlisted-and-deployed son, maintain a healthy relationship with your husband, and .... oh yeah, HELP RUN THE FREE WORLD?

It's hypocritical of Palin and her supporters to endlessly cite the "hockey mom" tag-line, yet repeatedly decry questions regarding how this self-affixed identity will affect her political performance as "sexist" or "discriminatory." It's also bullshit that Palin's gender excuses her from this critique, and even more asinine that, somehow, because Sarah Palin and I are both white and have vaginas, that I should not only vote for her but be won over by her insipid repetition of sing-song like sound bites, such as "darn tootin'," "you betcha" and, (my personal favorite), "Say it ain't so, Joe!" Palin's idea of femininity is one that allows her to flat-out refuse to answer questions and then write it off as "spunk." It angers me and makes me want to stab something.

And so I say the following to you, Governor Palin: STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M TWELVE FUCKING YEARS OLD. You are not my mom; you are not the school nurse matriarchally comforting me after starting my first period. You and I do not share an inherent bond solely because we share a common reproductive system. I think you are your "politics" are bogus as are your glasses, ($5 she doesn't even need them), and that your time would be much better spent caring for the brood of offspring that you've very opportunistically marketed throughout the course of this campaign.

And speaking of which: kudos to the Obama campaign for not flaunting the fact that Sen. Biden's parenting story is far more remarkable than that of Governor Palins. Senator Biden was actually sworn into office from the bedside of his two sons, who were involved in a car crash that killed Biden's wife and infant daughter a few weeks after his election. For over a year, the freshman senator commuted several hours each day between D.C. and his sons' hospitals and then later their suburban home until they both fully recovered. Biden remained a single father for 5 years - a single father who gave standing orders to the United States Senate that if either of his sons ever telephoned, that he was to be notified on the floor immediately, regardless of voting status.

Now THAT'S a parent. And that's who I want helping run my country.